 I would consider myself a girly girl. I think doing my make-up and hair is fun. I like to dress up. Tea parties are my thing. Anything princess and I am all over it. But I have two little boys. I have a four year old son and a 2 year old son. They are total all-around boys! They like to jump around the furniture, play in the dirt, be super heroes, wrestle around, and constantly throw things. I am raising young men. I am molding, teaching, and training up men of God. Boys who will someday become leaders, husbands, and fathers. This is a huge responsibility – especially as a single mom. These are some of the prayers I have for these little, wild, loud, rambunctious, boys. 1. I pray that they will learn strength is not just physical. So often I think that we view strength as something that is only physical. Its about big muscles and being the boss. Strength is shown as who is the leader. Strength is even shown as manipulation. The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. – Psalm 28:7 My hope is that my boys will see the strength in being kind. The strength in sharing their feelings. The strength in praising the Lord. The strength in working hard. The strength in honoring one another. The strength in patience. The strength that is found in God. 2. I pray that they will find their confidence but not suffocate others with it. I want my boys to know their worth. I feel like we tell our little girls over and over again about how they are worth more then rubies (which is totally true!) but our little boys get the pass over on that. Boys still need to learn their worth. They still need to know they are valuable. Boys need to learn from a young age that they matter. That they have a voice. They need to learn that they are also priceless. And not in a way that encourages them to be cocky. It’s not about them being better then anyone else or above anyone else. It is not about their looks or their “swag”. Their worth is not based on how popular they are, how good they are at sports, or on how many girls like them. Its about knowing WHO they are because they know their identity in Christ. They have found that confidence in God. The boys know how precious they are because they know how precious they are to the Lord. The fruit of that righteousness will be peace; its effect will be quietness and confidence forever. – Isaiah 32:7 I don’t want my boys to run around with a “look at me look at me” attitude but I do want them to know their worth. Because when we know our worth and how to be treated… we in turn treat others that way. 3. I pray that they will love the Lord. I do not want my boys to follow Christ because of a set of rules or because I TOLD them to. I want them experience God on their own. I hope that my children will see their single momma holding it together, praying, fasting, worshipping, crying out to God, treating others kindly, serving the body of Christ, donating time and energy, trusting the Lord, giving Him praise, reading the Word, speaking about all that the Lord has done, and so they will desire to live that out too. I don’t want them to have a religion because their mom brought them to church… I want them to have a RELATIONSHIP because they experienced it for themselves. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me. – Galatians 2:20 Its not about rules or regulations or following orders or any of that. It’s about love. And at the end of it all I want my boys to know that. Raising young men is not easy. It’s actually very messy (you should see the walls in my new house). It can often feel overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea how to raise boys… especially not on my own. Which is why I am so so thankful that I have God as my foundation. When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher then I. – Psalm 61:2 I would have never pictured myself as a “BoyMom” and although I still beg the boys if we can watch Frozen from time to time….I would say I am learning to rock at it! Xxoo, Monica  Monica Rodriguez Monica is a BoyMom, lover of Jesus, appreciator of all things pink, and a self proclaimed romantic. She is navigating through life as a single momma to two little ones with coffee in her hand and grace in her heart. Monica's desire is to inspire and be inspired; sharing hope as she clings to it as well. She is California-raised but now resides in Missouri with her two precious boys.
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 I hate it. Lurking in the shadows, telling us we are not enough, or we are too much. Keeping us locked away, afraid to step out in the open. It’s disease that is sucking the life out of us. A sickness that we don’t want to talk about, we are ‘ashamed’ to face it. We think and hope it will go away. All the while, it grows, it steals, it kills and destroys. We deny we have a problem with it. SHAME, The less we talk about it the more power it has over us. This disease is robbing the joy and peace from our homes. We have to say “enough is enough” and be willing to do whatever it takes to free ourselves and our children from its clutches. I am here to announce the GOOD NEWS. We have a place, where shame has no power. We, as single mothers, are a part of a kingdom that is glorious. But HOW oh HOW do we live in the reality of the kingdom. How do we live as daughters of this kingdom and not live in the shadows of shame? Darlene Lancer writes that shame is the core of addiction and co-dependency. She goes on to say that it is so painful most people will do anything to avoid it. Dr. Brene Brown states, “shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” Shame is a powerful emotion, so much so that we do anything, stuff it and ourselves in a closet and hide in an effort to avoid it. Understanding more about shame (or anything for that matter) helps equip us to overcome. WHAT IS SHAME Shame is the belief that I=BAD. Guilt says, “I did something bad”, but shame attacks the inward being by setting up a belief system that I am bad (or too much, or not good enough, or ugly, unlovable, etc) Does any of this sound familiar? WHERE SHAME COMES FROM Shame takes root in a variety of ways, all during life. A few places that shame enters are:
WHAT DOES SHAME DO Shame causes us to shame (or belittle, or gossip) about others Shame handcuffs us to our past Shame thrusts us into destructive tendencies Shame steals our joy Shame makes us settle for less than Gods best (especially in relationships) Shame keeps us in bondage of self-perception. We cannot receive love, or a compliment. The recording of how bad we are continues to play over and over in our mind. Shame causes us to move away from people, relationships. We hide and isolate. Shame causes us to move against people, we bully, blame, belittle others Shame causes us to move toward others. We become people pleasers, always trying to make everyone happy. SHAME KEEPS US FROM LIVING FREELY COMING OUT OF THE SHADOWS We can look in the Bible at two of the best known and loved men: King David and Jesus. Both were ‘illegitimate’. Behold, I was shapen in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me (Ps. 51:5) Biblical scholars speculate that David was likely the illegitimate son of Jesse, maybe his mother did marry Jesse, but after his conception. David’s father even denied his existence to the Prophet Samuel. BUT GOD saw David…and David knew His God. He was created for kingship and God declared it over him, even when he could have bowed his head in shame. It is said of Jesus, the Son of God, “can any good thing come from Nazareth?” Both of these men received their identity from somewhere, someone other than their earthly parents, friends, or leaders. Both of these men SHOULD have been paralyzed by shame but they overcame shame and lived by the identity that their heavenly Father proclaimed over them. And We Can TOO! As all toxic substances need an antidote, shame is no different. Compassion is the antidote to shame. Compassion comes from the Latin roots com (with) and pati (suffer), or to “suffer with.” Jesus our High Priest is the One who suffered for us, He suffers with us still. Some basic ways to embrace Christ in the midst of our shame:
The more attention you give to FILLING your life, your home, with light, the less space there is for the shadows of shame. How has shame kept you captive?  Misty Honnold is the President and Founder of the international organization Mountain of Myrrh Ministry (M.O.M.). She is a Visionary Leader, national speaker, writer and transitional life coach. Her greatest life work has been loving and leading her family well. She has raised 4 amazing adults and is lovingly known as Grammy to her 2 grand-daughters. Misty has blogged for over 8 years on the triumphs and trials of being a single mom. She currently blogs for Crosswalk on all things related to our spiritual journey. Misty's passion for life is infectious. Misty loves to lead leaders, equip women and impart value to others. Misty has learned through experience how to dance through the rhythms of life and loves to invite others into the joy of learning how to celebrate in every season.
 “Hey, what happened to my plant?!” These are the words that flew out of my mouth as I walked into the Livingroom to see my once beautiful plant looking naked and baron. Years before a dear friend had given me that cyclamen plant for my birthday. I cherished that plant. It was beautiful and always in bloom. I was proud of caretaking with this plant as it seemed to be healthy and flourishing.
That day, my then 5 yr old daughter, was having a playdate with another little girl. Underneath that sofa table where the plant enjoyed lots of sunshine there was a wedding going on. Each Barbie held a beautiful pink bouquet of flowers in her plastic hand. It was a marvelous sight to see. Even Ken had a pink boutonniere in his beachwear. (Ken didn’t come with a tux) Those sweet little resourceful wedding planners had plucked every single last pink bloom off my plant leaving behind no hint of color on the plant. All that was left was the green foliage. I was devastated. I gave that plant special care because I enjoyed the beauty it gave. It was a delight to me. A few days later I was sitting on the sofa while the kids were napping enjoying some alone time with God. I was studying in John 15. Those all familiar verses about abiding in the vine. Only this day some things about these verses popped out at me. As I looked over at my barren plant I started having this conversation with the Lord.- “I’m still upset about my plant; it was a good and healthy plant.” He cuts off every branch that does not bear fruit he prunes, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. (John 15:2) Wait a minute, now He had my full attention. He prunes the branches that are already bearing good fruit, not just the dead ones? I continued reading through John 15 about how we need to remain in Him and ask whatever you wish. “That pretty plant really brought me joy.” I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. (John 15:11) “But I didn’t choose for this pruning to happen.” You didn’t choose me, I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit-fruit that will last-and so whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. (John 15:16) He chose me. He chose me to bear fruit, fruit that will last. That’s responsibility. That’s love. That’s validation; he trusts me and produces fruit. Wow, God’s word really came alive that day as he gave me a beautiful example of what pruning looks like. Several months went by and I had nearly forgotten about the Barbie wedding with the pretty pink flowers. That day I looked over at the cyclamen plant and I could hardly believe my eyes. The plant was bursting with tiny pink blossoms. Tons of them. It probably had tripled the amount of flowers that it originally had before the involuntary pruning. Indeed, the pruning had caused the plant to bear much fruit. Are you willing to allow the master gardener take his pruning shears to the places in your life that need pruning? Remember, he’s not only cutting off dead branches and foliage, he’s removing beautiful blooms. Why? To produce even more fruit, for His glory. That’s so mind-blowing. Removing what’s already good and working to produce something that’s even more great, even more beautiful and abundant. Are you willing to let the pruning happen? Author Cheryl Nielsen is a single mother of 7 young adult and teenage children. She retired from a broadcasting career to raise that small army of kids which included 17 years of homeschooling. Originally from Minnesota, missions brought her family to Kansas City in 2007. She currently resides in Lee’s Summit, MO.   Erin Jones McIntosh Years ago, I climbed Long's Peak in the Rocky Mountain National Park. It is still one of the highest (literally) achievements of my life, and I hope to return to do it again someday. My friends and I were climbing in high season, so we arrived at the trailhead around 2am, to beat the crowds and summit early enough so we could be back below treeline before the afternoon storms rolled in. Much of the climb was in the dark. With only the light of a headlamp to guide us, we followed the trail up into pitch black alpine forests. When we emerged from the trees, it was sunrise, and the sky glowed in brilliant pinks and oranges over the Continental Divide. My fatigue gave way to something else entirely. Anticipation and determination propelled me skyward. The expanse of God's creation was awe-inspiring, and for me, the desire to get as close as possible to heaven was intoxicating. It is what I love most about climbing big mountains. I can still feel the deep ache in my body after so many hours of high altitude climbing. I also remember being able to see the Keyhole (a rock formation you must pass through before pushing for the summit) in the distance. I kept my eyes on it as adrenaline and willpower propelled me upward. I remember the exhilaration I felt when I finally climbed through it. On the other side, the view was like nothing I could have imagined. It felt like the entire world was at my feet, and that now I could do anything. I remember being overwhelmed by emotion as I stood looking out at the most incredible panorama I had ever seen. I laughed and cried with my arms around strangers, joined together by the thrill of a great challenge conquered. I never reached the summit - the snow and ice was unseasonably deep that year and sliding off the edge of the mountain was not a thrill I cared to experience. But it didn’t matter. I had accomplished something meaningful and rewarding. I'm thinking about that experience now. I'm thinking about how I climbed through the fatigue, and doubt, and fear, driven by something deep inside me. I'm thinking about that final, steep push through the boulder field...how focused I had to be and how each step had to be carefully placed in order to avoid a potentially dangerous situation. It's a perfect metaphor for single parenting, and actually, just life in general, isn’t it? I often feel like I am climbing a rocky path up a really big mountain, simultaneously exhilarated by the challenge and exhausted by the effort. But I also feel that thing...that thing deep inside me that sets my jaw, squares my shoulders, finds my balance, and reaches for the next obstacle. That thing is the Holy Spirit - filling me up with strength and faith and grit. I have always been drawn to the mountains, and not surprisingly, the verse of my soul is Psalm 121, “A song of ascents.” 1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains-- where does my help come from? 2 My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. 3 He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber. 4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. 5 The Lord watches over you-- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; 6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. 7 The Lord will keep you from all harm-- he will watch over your life; 8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. What shelter, what comfort, what hope, this verse has given me over the years. Has anyone ever said to you: “I just don’t know how you do it!” As a single mom, I heard that all the time, and there were many times when I didn’t know how I was doing it, either. Things got really hard sometimes. But I had Faith. I had the belief that God was the author of my story, and I trusted that He wasn’t going to write a bad one. If you are climbing a mountain right now, my prayer is that you feel the strength of the Holy Spirit propel you toward the summit, and you rest in the knowing that the Lord will not let your foot slip. He’s walked before you, He’s watching over your life, and He’s waiting for you at the top. Onward and upward. Erin is an administrator, freelance writer, photographer, and former single mom. She contributes regularly to HERLIFE Magazine and KC Parent Magazine. She has been a mommy blogger (Single Mom REVEALED, This Heart and Mind, and Life and the Outcome) for many years, focusing on providing an authentic depiction of life as a single mom. She is also currently working on her first book - part memoir and part single parenting survival guide. Erin is married now, but after over 10 years on her own, she will always have a heart for the mamas going it solo. It is a privilege to walk alongside and equip single moms to not just survive, but to THRIVE.  Matthew 18:20 “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” I want to tell you a story. A young woman walked into a church. Her 23 year old body formed a cradle around a growing baby, and she was alone. Week after week, she exchanged polite handshakes with people during the obligatory greeting time before the service, but she always sat alone. As far as she could tell, she was the only pregnant one without a loving Christian husband beside her. As her belly grew with baby, so did her loneliness. There were hundreds of lovers of Jesus in that room, but no lovers of her. No one went beyond the handshakes. There was no comforting touch when tears would penetrate her resolve, encouraged by worship music that touched her so deeply in the wounded places. Time passed lonely. The baby came and the young woman balanced precariously on the fence between her old life and her new one. She was desperate for her old friends, carpe diem life, and freedom while also desperately in love with her baby boy and with motherhood. It was a difficult time. For a year she struggled to find footing as a young mother with no husband, until she found that she’d had quite enough sitting alone in church. She’d had enough of waiting for the phone to ring. She’d had enough of being The Single Person at the tables of happily coupled friends. She went in search of her people - the ones who would get it. The ones she desperately needed. The other single moms. She knew they must be out there. It was really that simple at first. I wanted someone to sit with in church, and occasionally meet in the park to push swings together and talk. It wasn’t a man I wanted, although that would have been okay, too. I wanted to talk the way you can talk to another woman and mother. Not the brave, surface stuff that came out when people asked me how I was doing. The real stuff - the “sometimes I can’t stand this child and I go outside and close the door and pretend he is not pressing his screaming, snotty face against the glass to get to me” stuff. I was still rather ashamed of my single mother status in those early days, and it was hard to ask the church leadership if they knew of any single mothers looking for bible study. It was hard but it was the only place I knew to look, so I did it. God smiled at my bravery and made the connections for me. There was a woman who had just recently approached the church about the establishment of a formal group for single mothers. We joined forces, which is to say that we began to sit together in church, and then go out for lunch afterward. And then we found a room and a volunteer to watch our children while we met and we started a bible study. We relied on word of mouth and God to bring the single mothers to us. He did, and I finally found my people. Together we learned about grace, brokenness and healing, community and friendship. Through our love for each other, we learned about Jesus’ love for us. Most of all, we did life together. We pushed swings in the park. We swapped clothes and meals and we bore each other’s heartbreak. We celebrated each other’s victories and eventually, marriages. We loved each other’s children. Three of us even shared a home for awhile, raising our children together and building our own kind of family. It’s been about 14 years since I met those two women who were my first deep single mom friendships. We met with one child each, all within a year apart. Now, there are 13 children between us. During a particularly lonely season, I’d watched all of the friends from the bible study group find their Loves and get married, and I was feeling pretty down about it. Marriage hadn’t happened for me, and I was beginning to think it wouldn’t. So I decided to try something new. I joined an online community for single moms. Through this platform, I began to connect with single moms from not just in my city, but from everywhere. A few of us really hit it off, and eventually formed our own small group. We call ourselves the SWMU - Single Working Moms Uncensored. For 9 years, we have checked-in regularly from Baltimore, Philadelphia, Boston, San Francisco, Salt Lake City, and Edinburgh, Scotland. We talk about all the things, big and small. We’ve experienced marriages and babies and new jobs and big moves and even meet-ups! It’s been 9 years of life together so far, with many more on the horizon. I never imagined that an online group would become such a meaningful piece of my life, but so it has. The thing is, building friendships when you are an overburdened single mom is hard. It takes time and energy which, for those of us who struggle to find even a little time to ourselves, it can seem like too much. I know the feeling. But I also believe it is something you must pursue. Friendship is as essential as Jesus. I cannot imagine my life without the women who have circled up around me over and over again. God saved my soul, but my friends gave me a life. The Word tells us to bear one another’s burdens (Gal 6:2), to look to the interests of others (Phil 2:4), and to serve one another (1 Pet 4:10). God shaped us for relationship, because He knows how beautiful it can be. He built us with a desire and a need for soul sisters. And so, when we pursue that, when we ask God to make a path to true friendship, I believe He will answer. But we still have to show up, preferably with arms and hearts open to make room for someone to love us. Loneliness may be part of your story, but it doesn’t have to be the whole story. Don’t let it be - because I promise you there is another single mom out there who needs a friend just as badly as you do. Find her, and be blessed.  Erin Jones McIntosh Erin is an administrator, freelance writer, photographer, and former single mom. She contributes regularly to HERLIFE Magazine and KC Parent Magazine. She has been a mommy blogger (Single Mom REVEALED, This Heart and Mind, and Life and the Outcome) for many years, focusing on providing an authentic depiction of life as a single mom. She is also currently working on her first book - part memoir and part single parenting survival guide.
Erin is married now, but after over 10 years on her own, she will always have a heart for the mamas going it solo. It is a privilege to walk alongside and equip single moms to not just survive, but to THRIVE. |