​As I looked at myself in the mirror I thought “you’ve got it together, Misty”.  I was a new single mom of 4 children, ages 2-13. I had lost weight, dyed my hair and looked better than I had in a long time. I felt pretty confident that I had it all together and could figure out this journey of single parenting. Then through the caverns of my mind I heard, “it’s time to grow up”. I decided to ignore the whisper because, after all, I was grown up. I was the mother of 4, home-schooling, and now doing it alone. What more did I need as a badge of honor that I was grown up; a woman and a mother.  Then another thought raced through my mind as if out of nowhere. “when I was a child I thought like a child.”
I didn’t like where this was going because I knew that was a part of a passage from the Word, so I knew these thoughts about growing up were not my own, they were thoughts that the Holy Spirit was speaking, getting my attention.
When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.  1 Corinthians 13:11
 
So, I began my dialogue with the Lord that morning as I looked in the mirror.
“What does it mean to grow up, Lord?” I inquired.
I heard in my mind, “it’s time to be a woman of God.”
At that moment, I kind of freaked out on the inside. I felt my temper rising as I pointedly asked the question; “And JUST WHAT does a woman of God LOOK LIKE LORD?”
 
In the flash of a moment, as I asked the question, images of every woman I knew raced through my mind. I searched to find ONE that I could look to that would show me, help me, lead me and guide me. Who was in my life that could show me what a real woman of God looked like. I obviously was going to need HELP.
 
Sadly, there was none. Not one woman I wanted to emulate. Why would God ask me to be something, do something and not give me the resources to do it, or become it. It seemed too much of a demand.
 
God knew my thoughts. He was in them, helping me navigate my emotions and frustration. I considered His request outlandish at best, and felt betrayed by the church, women, friends and God. Why would God ask me to be something when the resources didn’t seem available?
Then God began to speak to me about Naomi. I challenged Him because Ruth is the hero of that story. But He insisted that I study, and identify with Naomi to learn what it means to be a woman of God and grow up. God had the resources available for me; He wanted me to learn from the best…from HIM. He wanted to be my teacher and my resource before the things of the world. God would and is teaching me about true spiritual motherhood.
 
As I continued to gaze in the mirror, confronted with all of my shortcomings, knowing the Lord wanted more for me, with a heavy heart at the reality of lack in my own life, I asked the Father: “Lord, give me the grace to be a woman of God and a true mother, PLEASE GOD don’t let any generation coming up after me stand in the mirror looking for women they can call mentors and mothers and find none. USE ME GOD, make and mold me into the Woman you say I am.”
 
This request would lead me into the study of Naomi first, then an in-depth study of the Song of Solomon, Esther, Deborah and other such women. This request has led me time and time again to turn to Proverbs 31 and hold my life up against the Woman of Excellence mentioned there and study what her attributes mean and pray that the Father would make me this powerful woman who laughs at the future.
 
I believe God is calling the matriarchs, the spiritual mommas to arise in this time
and raise up a generation that KNOW THEIR GOD.
 
Unfortunately, some of us are still struggling with our own identity as children of the Most High God, and as children, we cannot raise children.
 
Let’s explore what spiritual adulthood is all about so that Mothers can and will ARISE.
 
Bob Sorge, in his book “In His Face” lays out the 3 stages of maturity that John points out in 1 John 2: 12-14
 

1. Little Children
   1. Know sins are forgiven (v12). They know what the blood of Jesus has accomplished for them. They know what it means to be free from guilt and condemnation.
   2. They have come to know God as FATHER. True fathers provide 3 basic things for their children.

i.Protection: spiritual children have learned to rest securely in the Father’s loving embrace
ii.Provision: they trust God for daily bread
iii.Identity: children take on the surname of their father. The emotional nurturing of a father gives a child a healthy sexual identity and a proper self-image
 
Unfortunately, because many of us did not receive this from our own fathers, we struggle to allow God-the Father be this for us. Many of us continue to struggle with our identity as children of God, resting in His redemption. The enemy continues to keep us tied to our past; guilt and shame keep us in bondage.
 
As LITTLE CHILDREN of God, we are confident and secure in these three things, even if we didn’t have them as a part of our past we can find them in Christ.
 

1. Spiritual Adulthood
   1. Overcome the wicked one (v 13)
      1. They have gained victory of temptation.
      2. Understand what the armor of God is all about and they equip themselves with the armor of God.
      3. They know about spiritual warfare; they have engaged the enemy
   2. They are strong (v 14). Full of faith and the Holy Spirit.
      1. Bold in their confession
      2. Believe God for great exploits
      3. Visionary leaders
      4. Stable lives, integrity and passionate
   3. Word of God abides in them (v. 14)
      1. They have studied the word and know scripture.
      2. Able to teach; they understand are able to articulate about redemption, grace, the cross, the blood, the name of Jesus, the Holy Spirit, holiness, sanctification deliverance, repentance, the spiritual gifts etc.
      3. They are able to refute error and stand in truth

 
This is often seen as the highest goal, to attain Spiritual adulthood. Bob Sorge goes on to say, “it is sad to acknowledge that many believers never grow to this spiritual level, and it is not even the highest plane of maturity.” (pp. 151)

1. Spiritual Fatherhood
   1. The only thing John says about them is “you have known God from the beginning”, and this may not seem like a big deal. But let me assure you there is a settledness in the infinite God.
      1. Spiritual Fathers have come to a place of knowing God in His eternal attributes
      2. They have bore the hand of discipline by the Father and they know what disciplining in love means, and are able to do it.
      3. Spiritual Fathers don’t panic in times of darkness, they don’t try to make their way out of the dark, but they trust that God is in the darkness.
      4. Trusting in the truth of Psalm 91:14-15 Because he has loved me…I will be with him in trouble.”
      5. Spiritual Fatherhood is coming OUT of the wilderness LEANING on the Beloved. (Song of Solomon

 
If we want to raise spiritual sons and daughters, our own in our house, we must set the vision before us of Spiritual Adulthood. We can’t be children raising children.
 
The journey into Spiritual Adulthood is not about defining our destiny
…it is about building a dynasty;
 
Learning to GROW UP IN GOD
1.Realize it is HARD
We are made for it but not trained for it. My story at the beginning of this article conveys what I have heard over and over from women my age. That was 20+ years ago. Paul told Timothy (his spiritual son)
 
For although you could have countless babysitters (tutors, teachers)  in Christ telling you what you’re doing wrong, you don’t have many fathers who correct you in love. But I’m a true father to you, for I became your father when I gave you the gospel and brought you into union with Jesus, the Anointed One.  1 Cor 4:15
 
There are many who want to teach, preach and share the gospel, but not many who are willing to change dirty diapers, love through rebellion, believe in God’s faithfulness when things don’t look like they should. THIS is a spiritual mother/father.
 
2.Be Teachable
There are stages of development for all things. We must be willing to acknowledge where we are at in the journey and ask the question, “Lord, where am I still behaving like a spiritual child, where do I need to embrace growing up?”
 
3.Understand the Journey
We must embrace the crisis and use the crisis to lead us to the Lord.  
Bob Sorge says,” every new level of spiritual maturity is developed through PAIN.”
Shelley Hundley from the International House of Prayer once said, “allow your pain and suffering to escort you into His presence.”
Spiritual Mothers know that pain is God’s refining fire, they rest in the love of the Father during difficult seasons and understand that the absence of His presence does not always mean something bad.  
 

1. Study and know THE WORD OF GOD.

Spiritual Mother is equipped with the RAMAH Word of God. Spiritual adults have allowed the Word of God to mold them. They have studied and know who God is and are settled and anchored in His truth. They are equipped with the word and able to discern truth from lies. They rest in the infinite wisdom of their God, and truly understand what it means to ‘lean not on their own understanding’.
 
Spiritual adults have walked through a season of darkness where the Lord has withdrawn His presence, not because of sin, or ignorance, but because of His kindness. They have walked through the fire and come out not even smelling like smoke (Daniel 3)
 
As we say yes to all God has for us, the journey won’t always be easy but the fruit (our sons and daughters walking with Jesus as spiritual adults some day) is worth the price we pay.
 
Let’s join together in one accord and raise a “YES LORD may it be unto me as you desire.” Let’s sign up for the journey of spiritual growth and be willing to let the Lord raise up matriarchs (Spiritual Mothers) that will in create the atmosphere for spiritual sons and daughters to arise.

​Misty Honnold is the President and Founder of the international organization Mountain of Myrrh Ministry (M.O.M.). She is a Visionary Leader, national speaker, writer and transitional life coach. Her greatest life work has been loving and leading her family well. She has raised 4 amazing adults and is lovingly known as Grammy to her 2 grand-daughters. Misty has blogged for over 8 years on the triumphs and trials of being a single mom. She currently blogs for Crosswalk on all things related to our spiritual journey.  Misty's passion for life is infectious.  Misty loves to lead leaders, equip women and impart value to others. Misty has learned through experience how to dance through the rhythms of life and loves to invite others into the joy of learning how to celebrate in every season.

​Erin is an administrator, freelance writer, photographer, and former single mom. She contributes regularly to HERLIFE Magazine and KC Parent Magazine. She has been a mommy blogger (Single Mom REVEALED, This Heart and Mind, and Life and the Outcome) for many years, focusing on providing an authentic depiction of life as a single mom. She is also currently working on her first book - part memoir and part single parenting survival guide.
 
Erin is married now, but after over 10 years on her own, she will always have a heart for the mamas going it solo. It is a privilege to walk alongside and equip single moms to not just survive, but to THRIVE.

HOPE …  something we all want. Many of us seem to be on a life-long journey, searching for Hope. We begin to believe, and hope, then life happens and hope is sucked out of us. How do we bring this search to an end? How do we settle our soul in hope? One dear momma recently wrote to us about her personal challenge with HOPE.
 
Hope...I'll be honest and tell you all that the past few days I've been struggling with hope.
                         
Issues with my oldest son seem at times to get worse than better.  "God, do you really hear my prayers...do you see the pain in this mama's eyes and heart?" ....You are my only true hope, Jesus...help me not to lose hope but to stand firm and trust you IN the process.  
 
Two days ago, a co-worker’s sister-in-law, a single mother of 2 small children took her own life. She didn't have hope.
 
That same day, my friend, a 50-year old single mother of two teen girls, came by to talk to me. Her voice trembled as she told me some unexpected news. She felt a lump in her breast. She went for a scan. The doctors were concerned.  She went for a biopsy...alone.  They casually told her they would call her in 48 hours. Her entire life could change in two days. I hugged her tightly. I prayed with her and told her I loved her. I can't begin to imagine what she feels. She has no family here and her mother passed away 2 years ago. The fact that she went for the biopsy alone gave me a deep ache in my heart. My heart still hurts. I wish she would have called me to be by her side. I told her when they call and if they ask her to come in that I want to come and hold her hand. 
Today they called her at work and simply said, 'your results are in, it's positive, you have cancer.'  As if she was just the next person on the list to call. She came to my office, I closed the door and held her as she wept in my arms. I begged Jesus to hold her and to speak to her through me...He did. I prayed with her. I told her I loved her. I told her she was brave and strong and she wouldn't walk this journey alone. I prayed that God would prepare the hearts of her daughters and to give her wisdom of what to say when she tells them.  She is searching for hope.  
 
Today I'm clinging to hope.
 
 I've been thinking about a lot.  The fragility of life. Nothing is promised.  How we fight in the dark as we desperately listen for the voice of God to calm our fears and restore our hope when the strong winds of life try to blow us down.                             ~Val
 
We can live without hope…and die, spiritually, emotionally and even physically
We can live in search of hope…choosing each day where we will land, in hope or outside of hope
Or like my friend, we can cling to the One who is HOPE.
 
Over and over, it boils down to C-H-O-I-C-E. God has given us a choice, He continues to give us choices. 4000+ years ago, Joshua, preparing to lead all of Israel into the promised land said “choose this day whom you will serve.”
In the journey of HOPE, we get the same choice, who will we serve? We can place our hope in what the world has to offer:

• The promotion
• The spouse (or boyfriend)
• The car will continue to run
• The kids won’t be rebellious
• The cancer will not come back
• The judge will rule in my favor

Unfortunately hoping in these things will lead to

• disappointment,
  • disillusionment,
    • despair,
      • depression and
        • eventually death of our soul.

 
We are invited to HOPE in a God who cannot disappoint.
We are invited to HOPE in a person, not a situation.
 
Unfortunately, there is no HOPE 101 class for us to take.  But, we are not left without hope! Jesus gives us the keys to help unlock the right door in our search for hope.
 
Now may God, the inspiration and fountain of hope, fill you to overflowing with uncontainable joy and perfect peace as you trust in him. And may the power of the Holy Spirit continually surround your life with his super-abundance until you radiate with hope! Romans 15:13 TPT
 

1. KNOW who God is. Think about, meditate, chew on this image of who God is. Say it, sing it, draw it, pray it. Spend time getting to know God as the inspiration and fountain of hope.
2. Trusting in Him is necessary and a C-H-O-I-C-E. We can choose to trust Him and lean not on our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). This is something we G-R-O-W in. We don’t wake up tomorrow and have a BIG TRUST MUSCLE. This ability to trust in the Lord is one that grows with situations, step by step.
3. Let the Holy Spirit surround your life. Let Him surround you with people who radiate this hope, allow yourself to be around those who are filled with, over-flowing this uncontainable joy and perfect peace.  

Prayer
God, you are the inspiration and fountain of hope, I draw close to you in my time of need. Fill me with this uncontainable joy and perfect peace. I choose to trust in you. Show me where I am not trusting in you and develop my ‘trust muscle’. Holy Spirit, you live in those who have submitted their lives to you. Surround me with those who know you, surround me with your super-abundance. I am created to radiate HOPE. Let your will be done, let your Kingdom of HOPE come in me and through me. Let my search for HOPE always end in You, Jesus. 
​

​Misty is the President and Founder of the international organization Mountain of Myrrh Ministry (M.O.M.). She is a Visionary Leader, national speaker, writer and transitional life coach. Her greatest life work has been loving and leading her family well. She has raised 4 amazing adults and is lovingly known as Grammy to her 2 grand-daughters. Misty has blogged for over 8 years on the triumphs and trials of being a single mom. She currently blogs for Crosswalk on all things related to our spiritual journey.  Misty's passion for life is infectious.  Misty loves to lead leaders, equip women and impart value to others. Misty has learned through experience how to dance through the rhythms of life and loves to invite others into the joy of learning how to celebrate in every season.

​Hope deferred makes the heart sick. – Psalm 13:12
 
I have known that heart sick feeling deep in my soul.
 
My hope had seemed to have left without an explanation. Leaving without a note, last correspondence, or “good bye”.
It was like one morning I woke up and that hope was gone.
 
Bitterness took its place.
 
Because, really, it feels like we all get a little bitter after going through a divorce.
 
My bitterness was quiet. It wasn’t showy. It wasn’t something that other’s may have even noticed. But my heart felt sick.
 
When I saw other people were living out the dream that I had prayed for, the bitterness whispered to me that I wasn’t good enough.
When friends announced life events on social media, the bitterness took that opportunity to point out my lack.
After time I started to embrace Bitterness.
It became this strange friend that I took comfort in.
Hope would come home and knock on the door but Bitterness would tell me how Hope would never stay. Bitterness was there for me. Bitterness was easier to hold on to.
I would tell Hope that I would call them back but it never happened.
My heart was sick.
But I had decided I could learn to live with this sickness. It was a part of me now.
 
The Single Mom KC was invited to a Valentine’s Day luncheon by a local church.
Bitterness and I attended together but Hope and I left the luncheon hand and hand.
 
During worship God stepped in. I was singing with my hands high and tears running down my face. Hope came bursting through my heart and I could not postpone them anymore. Bitterness had no choice but to pack their bags and leave.
 
That day, in that moment, Hope flooded my life.
Nothing in my life had changed.
I was still a single mom.
I was still struggling financially.
I was still sometimes insecure.
I was still in need of a Savior.
But my heart was no longer sick.
 
I started to cling to those promises of God. Declare them over my life.
God’s plan for me is to prosper me and not to harm me. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Nothing can keep me from the love of God. (Romans 8:38-39)
God formed me with intention and knows me intimately (Psalm 139)
God has given me strength to get through anything. (Phil 4:13)
God will restore my life. (Deut. 30:3)
 
To keep Hope, I must make a home for Hope.
Hope lives in those promises. Hope lives in my faith. Even when my circumstances don’t add up to what I want in my life…. My faith is bigger than that. Hope thrives in my thankfulness. Hope flourishes in my trust in God.
 
And my heart is well.
 
Xxoo, Monica 

​​Monica is a BoyMom, lover of Jesus, appreciator of all things pink, and a self proclaimed romantic. She is navigating through life as a single momma to two little ones with coffee in her hand and grace in her heart. Monica's desire is to inspire and be inspired; sharing hope as she clings to it as well. She is California-raised but now resides in Missouri with her two precious boys.​

How could this be happening to me? Hadn’t I been through enough? My day started on December 18, 2015 with excitement waiting for the return of my daughter from a missions trip until I heard the words,  “I’m sorry to tell you but you have breast cancer.” Wait, did I just hear that correctly? Cancer?! Triple negative, grade 3 tumor, fast growing breast cancer. How could it get any worse?  Are you kidding me?  Just a couple of months before that my youngest daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and celiac disease. And just a few months before that my 26 year marriage ended. With all that had already happened I had to gather my seven children around me and tell them their mom had breast cancer. Where is my hope?

No partner, no health insurance, no plan whatsoever. Things were dark. I went through that Christmas with the attitude that I wasn’t going to make it to see the next Christmas. It was scary for all of us. During the holidays I watched a video with some experts talking about cancer and how to survive it. One of the doctors shared that attitude had a lot to do with it; cancer patients with an attitude of hope, joy, and thankfulness were the ones who survived. Something in my brain flipped a switch. I had a choice about how I handled this. I choose joy, and gratitude. Where the enemy wanted to kill and destroy, the spirit within me shouted, “This is not how I’m going down. I’m not afraid to meet my maker, it’s just not my time yet.” I set out on a journey with my new friends, Joy and Gratefulness, to figure out how I was going to survive this.

Part of finding joy in this journey meant reaching out for help. For years and years I had been the person serving everyone else and now I was the one in need. It was hard to switch gears but I felt like it was a lesson in learning how to receive. I contacted church leaders, friends, and neighbors who gathered around me. Not only did I receive an abundance of prayer but also abundance in the area of finances. I was able to get insurance and have the surgery to remove the lump and get the proper treatment that I needed. Every medical need was provided for me through several different sources of gifts.

During this time my faith was tested for sure. I knew His name is Jehovah-Rapha, the Lord who heals. If that’s who He is then that’s who HE is! Period. How can He NOT heal? Do I even need to ask if I know that’s who You are and what You do? I asked but I sensed healing was already mine. Even so, doubt and fear crept in. After several months of treatment I questioned the Lord and asked Him, “How will I know when I’m really healed?” The very next day all financial sources came to a halt. All of them, one by one emailed or called me to let me know they were ending for various reasons.  I didn’t understand why this was happening. As a matter fact, I took offense in my heart and I thought God didn’t love me because He was not going to provide my medical treatment anymore. I had a major pity party that entire weekend.

That following Monday I had a scheduled doctor’s appointment. When I got there I asked him what they do if the patients run out of money for treatment. He smiled and said sometimes God answers your prayers through provision or lack of. At that moment it hit me, God HAD answered my question. Three days earlier I had asked him how I would know if I was healed. He gave me my answer by drying up the funds that I didn’t need anymore. I had exactly enough money, almost to the penny, to pay for that last doctor’s appointment. He had shown Himself to me as Jehovah Rapha the healer, Jehovah Jireh the provider.

It’s now three years later and I am totally cancer free and healed. I can look back and thank Him for cancer. That sounds a little strange but I’m grateful for cancer and all He taught me during that dark time. Not that God gives us diseases, but he allowed me to go through that dark night so that I could see another facet of my God and King. I am so grateful for all He’s done for me. I couldn’t have gone on this journey without the hope that He has given me.

Is there an area in your life where you need hope? There are over 120 times where HOPE is used in the Bible. Here’s just a few. I invite you to do a word search and look some up for yourself. Read them, sing them, write them, recite them, hang them on your walls, anything to let them sink into your heart and mind. He is the God of HOPE.

Acts 2:26 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest in hope

Romans 5:3-5  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Psalm 119:116 Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.
​
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

​I would consider myself a girly girl.
I think doing my make-up and hair is fun. I like to dress up. Tea parties are my thing. Anything princess and I am all over it.
 
But I have two little boys.
I have a four year old son and a 2 year old son.
They are total all-around boys!
They like to jump around the furniture, play in the dirt, be super heroes, wrestle around, and constantly throw things.
 
I am raising young men.  I am molding, teaching, and training up men of God. Boys who will someday become leaders, husbands, and fathers.
 
This is a huge responsibility – especially as a single mom.
 
These are some of the prayers I have for these little, wild, loud, rambunctious, boys.

1. I pray that they will learn strength is not just physical. So often I think that we view strength as something that is only physical. Its about big muscles and being the boss. Strength is shown as who is the leader. Strength is even shown as manipulation.

The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. – Psalm 28:7

My hope is that my boys will see the strength in being kind. The strength in sharing their feelings. The strength in praising the Lord. The strength in working hard. The strength in honoring one another. The strength in patience. The strength that is found in God.

2. I pray that they will find their confidence but not suffocate others with it. I want my boys to know their worth. I feel like we tell our little girls over and over again about how they are worth more then rubies (which is totally true!) but our little boys get the pass over on that. Boys still need to learn their worth. They still need to know they are valuable. Boys need to learn from a young age that they matter. That they have a voice. They need to learn that they are also priceless. And not in a way that encourages them to be cocky. It’s not about them being better then anyone else or above anyone else. It is not about their looks or their “swag”. Their worth is not based on how popular they are, how good they are at sports, or on how many girls like them.  Its about knowing WHO they are because they know their identity in Christ. They have found that confidence in God. The boys know how precious they are because they know how precious they are to the Lord.

The fruit of that righteousness will be peace; its effect will be quietness and confidence forever. – Isaiah 32:7

I don’t want my boys to run around with a “look at me look at me” attitude but I do want them to know their worth. Because when we know our worth and how to be treated… we in turn treat others that way.

3. I pray that they will love the Lord. I do not want my boys to follow Christ because of a set of rules or because I TOLD them to. I want them experience God on their own. I hope that my children will see their single momma holding it together, praying, fasting, worshipping, crying out to God, treating others kindly, serving the body of Christ, donating time and energy, trusting the Lord, giving Him praise, reading the Word, speaking about all that the Lord has done, and so they will desire to live that out too. I don’t want them to have a religion because their mom brought them to church… I want them to have a RELATIONSHIP because they experienced it for themselves.

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me. – Galatians 2:20
​
Its not about rules or regulations or following orders or any of that. It’s about love. And at the end of it all I want my boys to know that.
 
Raising young men is not easy. It’s actually very messy (you should see the walls in my new house).
​
It can often feel overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea how to raise boys… especially not on my own. Which is why I am so so thankful that I have God as my foundation.
When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher then I. – Psalm 61:2
 
I would have never pictured myself as a “BoyMom” and although I still beg the boys if we can watch Frozen from time to time….I would say I am learning to rock at it!
 
Xxoo, Monica 

​Monica is a BoyMom, lover of Jesus, appreciator of all things pink, and a self proclaimed romantic. She is navigating through life as a single momma to two little ones with coffee in her hand and grace in her heart. Monica's desire is to inspire and be inspired; sharing hope as she clings to it as well. She is California-raised but now resides in Missouri with her two precious boys.

​I hate it. Lurking in the shadows, telling us we are not enough, or we are too much. Keeping us locked away, afraid to step out in the open. It’s disease that is sucking the life out of us. A sickness that we don’t want to talk about, we are ‘ashamed’ to face it. We think and hope it will go away. All the while, it grows, it steals, it kills and destroys. We deny we have a problem with it.
 
SHAME,
The less we talk about it the more power it has over us.
 
This disease is robbing the joy and peace from our homes. We have to say “enough is enough” and be willing to do whatever it takes to free ourselves and our children from its clutches.
 
I am here to announce the GOOD NEWS. We have a place, where shame has no power. We, as single mothers, are a part of a kingdom that is glorious. But HOW oh HOW do we live in the reality of the kingdom. How do we live as daughters of this kingdom and not live in the shadows of shame?
 
Darlene Lancer writes that shame is the core of addiction and co-dependency. She goes on to say that it is so painful most people will do anything to avoid it. Dr. Brene Brown states, “shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” Shame is a powerful emotion, so much so that we do anything, stuff it and ourselves in a closet and hide in an effort to avoid it.
 
Understanding more about shame (or anything for that matter) helps equip us to overcome.
 
WHAT IS SHAME
Shame is the belief that I=BAD. Guilt says, “I did something bad”, but shame attacks the inward being by setting up a belief system that I am bad (or too much, or not good enough, or ugly, unlovable, etc) Does any of this sound familiar?
 
WHERE SHAME COMES FROM
Shame takes root in a variety of ways, all during life. A few places that shame enters are:

• Early developmental loss (whether real or perceived) When parents go through divorce, or death…no matter what the reason, a child is unable to emotionally understand so they feel shame.

My oldest son was 5 when his dad left. Although we had done everything we knew to make sure the kids didn’t blame themselves, my son sat playing with his cars and quietly said “maybe if I was better, Daddy would come home”. SHAME had planted a lie in the beautiful mind of this innocent child.

• Our own sin and mistakes
• Pain and abuse
• Awkward and uncomfortable feelings: remember adolescence?
• Betrayal
• Parental withdraw and rejection
• Harsh discipline
• Sexual Abuse

 
WHAT DOES SHAME DO
Shame causes us to shame (or belittle, or gossip) about others
Shame handcuffs us to our past
Shame thrusts us into destructive tendencies
Shame steals our joy
Shame makes us settle for less than Gods best (especially in relationships)
Shame keeps us in bondage of self-perception. We cannot receive love, or a compliment. The recording of how bad we are continues to play over and over in our mind.
 
Shame causes us to move away from people, relationships. We hide and isolate.
Shame causes us to move against people, we bully, blame, belittle others
Shame causes us to move toward others. We become people pleasers, always trying to make everyone happy.
 
SHAME KEEPS US FROM LIVING FREELY
 
COMING OUT OF THE SHADOWS
We can look in the Bible at two of the best known and loved men: King David and Jesus. Both were ‘illegitimate’.
Behold, I was shapen in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me (Ps. 51:5)
Biblical scholars speculate that David was likely the illegitimate son of Jesse, maybe his mother did marry Jesse, but after his conception. David’s father even denied his existence to the Prophet Samuel. BUT GOD saw David…and David knew His God. He was created for kingship and God declared it over him, even when he could have bowed his head in shame.
 
It is said of Jesus, the Son of God, “can any good thing come from Nazareth?”
 
Both of these men received their identity from somewhere, someone other than their earthly parents, friends, or leaders. Both of these men SHOULD have been paralyzed by shame but they overcame shame and lived by the identity that their heavenly Father proclaimed over them.
 
And We Can TOO!
 
As all toxic substances need an antidote, shame is no different. Compassion is the antidote to shame.
 
Compassion comes from the Latin roots com (with) and pati (suffer), or to “suffer with.” Jesus our High Priest is the One who suffered for us, He suffers with us still. Some basic ways to embrace Christ in the midst of our shame:
 
 

• Be willing to be vulnerable. Admit there are areas of shame and don’t be afraid to look at them.
• Let the God of Compassion ‘suffer with’ you.
  • Sit with Jesus as you look at the places of shame
  • Picture yourself giving them to Jesus, let Him absorb those shame moments into his wounds. Let Him take what He came to die for…your broken heart, your captive places.
• Choose to believe that He is the God who makes ALL THINGS NEW. Yes, it’s as easy as you choosing. You might have to choose 1000 times today to believe, but in a month, you may only have to choose 500 times. You have lived a lifetime of choosing to believe a lie…it will take time for the truth to take root.
• Meditate, think about, sing about JESUS.
  • Our shame has been hidden away in a dark closet. It’s time to bring LIGHT in. OPEN the door to God’s truth. Jesus is LIGHT. The more we
    • Read the Word
    • Sing the Word and worship songs
    • Pray
    • Fill our lives with LIGHT

 
The more attention you give to FILLING your life, your home, with light, the less space there is for the shadows of shame.
 
How has shame kept you captive? 

​Misty Honnold is the President and Founder of the international organization Mountain of Myrrh Ministry (M.O.M.). She is a Visionary Leader, national speaker, writer and transitional life coach. Her greatest life work has been loving and leading her family well. She has raised 4 amazing adults and is lovingly known as Grammy to her 2 grand-daughters. Misty has blogged for over 8 years on the triumphs and trials of being a single mom. She currently blogs for Crosswalk on all things related to our spiritual journey.  Misty's passion for life is infectious.  Misty loves to lead leaders, equip women and impart value to others. Misty has learned through experience how to dance through the rhythms of life and loves to invite others into the joy of learning how to celebrate in every season.

“Hey, what happened to my plant?!” These are the words that flew out of my mouth as I walked into the Livingroom to see my once beautiful plant looking naked and baron. Years before a dear friend had given me that cyclamen plant for my birthday. I cherished that plant. It was beautiful and always in bloom.  I was proud of caretaking with this plant as it seemed to be healthy and flourishing.

That day, my then 5 yr old daughter, was having a playdate with another little girl. Underneath that sofa table where the plant enjoyed lots of sunshine there was a wedding going on. Each Barbie held a beautiful pink bouquet of flowers in her plastic hand. It was a marvelous sight to see. Even Ken had a pink boutonniere in his beachwear. (Ken didn’t come with a tux) Those sweet little resourceful wedding planners had plucked every single last pink bloom off my plant leaving behind no hint of color on the plant. All that was left was the green foliage. I was devastated. I gave that plant special care because I enjoyed the beauty it gave. It was a delight to me.

A few days later I was sitting on the sofa while the kids were napping enjoying some alone time with God. I was studying in John 15. Those all familiar verses about abiding in the vine. Only this day some things about these verses popped out at me. As I looked over at my barren plant I started having this conversation with the Lord.-

“I’m still upset about my plant; it was a good and healthy plant.”

He cuts off every branch that does not bear fruit he prunes, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. (John 15:2)

Wait a minute, now He had my full attention. He prunes the branches that are already bearing good fruit, not just the dead ones? I continued reading through John 15 about how we need to remain in Him and ask whatever you wish.

“That pretty plant really brought me joy.”

I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. (John 15:11)

“But I didn’t choose for this pruning to happen.”

You didn’t choose me, I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit-fruit that will last-and so whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. (John 15:16)

He chose me. He chose me to bear fruit, fruit that will last. That’s responsibility. That’s love. That’s validation; he trusts me and produces fruit. Wow, God’s word really came alive that day as he gave me a beautiful example of what pruning looks like.

Several months went by and I had nearly forgotten about the Barbie wedding with the pretty pink flowers. That day I looked over at the cyclamen plant and I could hardly believe my eyes. The plant was bursting with tiny pink blossoms. Tons of them. It probably had tripled the amount of flowers that it originally had before the involuntary pruning. Indeed, the pruning had caused the plant to bear much fruit.

Are you willing to allow the master gardener take his pruning shears to the places in your life that need pruning? Remember, he’s not only cutting off dead branches and foliage, he’s removing beautiful blooms. Why? To produce even more fruit, for His glory. That’s so mind-blowing. Removing what’s already good and working to produce something that’s even more great, even more beautiful and abundant. Are you willing to let the pruning happen?

Author
Cheryl Nielsen is a single mother of 7 young adult and teenage children. She retired from a broadcasting career to raise that small army of kids which included 17 years of homeschooling. Originally from Minnesota, missions brought her family to Kansas City in 2007.  She currently resides in Lee’s Summit, MO.

 
 

Years ago, I climbed Long's Peak in the Rocky Mountain National Park. It is still one of the highest (literally) achievements of my life, and I hope to return to do it again someday.

My friends and I were climbing in high season, so we arrived at the trailhead around 2am, to beat the crowds and summit early enough so we could be back below treeline before the afternoon storms rolled in. Much of the climb was in the dark. With only the light of a headlamp to guide us, we followed the trail up into pitch black alpine forests. When we emerged from the trees, it was sunrise, and the sky glowed in brilliant pinks and oranges over the Continental Divide. My fatigue gave way to something else entirely. Anticipation and determination propelled me skyward. The expanse of God's creation was awe-inspiring, and for me, the desire to get as close as possible to heaven was intoxicating. It is what I love most about climbing big mountains.

I can still feel the deep ache in my body after so many hours of high altitude climbing. I also remember being able to see the Keyhole (a rock formation you must pass through before pushing for the summit) in the distance. I kept my eyes on it as adrenaline and willpower propelled me upward. I remember the exhilaration I felt when I finally climbed through it.

On the other side, the view was like nothing I could have imagined. It felt like the entire world was at my feet, and that now I could do anything. I remember being overwhelmed by emotion as I stood looking out at the most incredible panorama I had ever seen. I laughed and cried with my arms around strangers, joined together by the thrill of a great challenge conquered. I never reached the summit - the snow and ice was unseasonably deep that year and sliding off the edge of the mountain was not a thrill I cared to experience. But it didn’t matter. I had accomplished something meaningful and rewarding.

I'm thinking about that experience now. I'm thinking about how I climbed through the fatigue, and doubt, and fear, driven by something deep inside me. I'm thinking about that final, steep push through the boulder field...how focused I had to be and how each step had to be carefully placed in order to avoid a potentially dangerous situation.

It's a perfect metaphor for single parenting, and actually, just life in general, isn’t it? I often feel like I am climbing a rocky path up a really big mountain, simultaneously exhilarated by the challenge and exhausted by the effort. But I also feel that thing...that thing deep inside me that sets my jaw, squares my shoulders, finds my balance, and reaches for the next obstacle. That thing is the Holy Spirit - filling me up with strength and faith and grit.

I have always been drawn to the mountains, and not surprisingly, the verse of my soul is Psalm 121, “A song of ascents.”

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains--
   where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
   the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip--
   he who watches over you will not slumber.
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
   will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord watches over you--
   the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
   nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will keep you from all harm--
   he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
   both now and forevermore.

What shelter, what comfort, what hope, this verse has given me over the years. Has anyone ever said to you: “I just don’t know how you do it!” As a single mom, I heard that all the time, and there were many times when I didn’t know how I was doing it, either. Things got really hard sometimes. But I had Faith. I had the belief that God was the author of my story, and I trusted that He wasn’t going to write a bad one.

If you are climbing a mountain right now, my prayer is that you feel the strength of the Holy Spirit propel you toward the summit, and you rest in the knowing that the Lord will not let your foot slip. He’s walked before you, He’s watching over your life, and He’s waiting for you at the top.

Onward and upward.


Erin is an administrator, freelance writer, photographer, and former single mom. She contributes regularly to HERLIFE Magazine and KC Parent Magazine. She has been a mommy blogger (Single Mom REVEALED, This Heart and Mind, and Life and the Outcome) for many years, focusing on providing an authentic depiction of life as a single mom. She is also currently working on her first book - part memoir and part single parenting survival guide.
 
Erin is married now, but after over 10 years on her own, she will always have a heart for the mamas going it solo. It is a privilege to walk alongside and equip single moms to not just survive, but to THRIVE.

​Erin is an administrator, freelance writer, photographer, and former single mom. She contributes regularly to HERLIFE Magazine and KC Parent Magazine. She has been a mommy blogger (Single Mom REVEALED, This Heart and Mind, and Life and the Outcome) for many years, focusing on providing an authentic depiction of life as a single mom. She is also currently working on her first book - part memoir and part single parenting survival guide.
 
Erin is married now, but after over 10 years on her own, she will always have a heart for the mamas going it solo. It is a privilege to walk alongside and equip single moms to not just survive, but to THRIVE.