Coming Out Of The Shadows Of Shame

​I hate it. Lurking in the shadows, telling us we are not enough, or we are too much. Keeping us locked away, afraid to step out in the open. It’s disease that is sucking the life out of us. A sickness that we don’t want to talk about, we are ‘ashamed’ to face it. We think and hope it will go away. All the while, it grows, it steals, it kills and destroys. We deny we have a problem with it.
 
SHAME,
The less we talk about it the more power it has over us.
 
This disease is robbing the joy and peace from our homes. We have to say “enough is enough” and be willing to do whatever it takes to free ourselves and our children from its clutches.
 
I am here to announce the GOOD NEWS. We have a place, where shame has no power. We, as single mothers, are a part of a kingdom that is glorious. But HOW oh HOW do we live in the reality of the kingdom. How do we live as daughters of this kingdom and not live in the shadows of shame?
 
Darlene Lancer writes that shame is the core of addiction and co-dependency. She goes on to say that it is so painful most people will do anything to avoid it. Dr. Brene Brown states, “shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” Shame is a powerful emotion, so much so that we do anything, stuff it and ourselves in a closet and hide in an effort to avoid it.
 
Understanding more about shame (or anything for that matter) helps equip us to overcome.
 
WHAT IS SHAME
Shame is the belief that I=BAD. Guilt says, “I did something bad”, but shame attacks the inward being by setting up a belief system that I am bad (or too much, or not good enough, or ugly, unlovable, etc) Does any of this sound familiar?
 
WHERE SHAME COMES FROM
Shame takes root in a variety of ways, all during life. A few places that shame enters are:

• Early developmental loss (whether real or perceived) When parents go through divorce, or death…no matter what the reason, a child is unable to emotionally understand so they feel shame.

My oldest son was 5 when his dad left. Although we had done everything we knew to make sure the kids didn’t blame themselves, my son sat playing with his cars and quietly said “maybe if I was better, Daddy would come home”. SHAME had planted a lie in the beautiful mind of this innocent child.

• Our own sin and mistakes
• Pain and abuse
• Awkward and uncomfortable feelings: remember adolescence?
• Betrayal
• Parental withdraw and rejection
• Harsh discipline
• Sexual Abuse

 
WHAT DOES SHAME DO
Shame causes us to shame (or belittle, or gossip) about others
Shame handcuffs us to our past
Shame thrusts us into destructive tendencies
Shame steals our joy
Shame makes us settle for less than Gods best (especially in relationships)
Shame keeps us in bondage of self-perception. We cannot receive love, or a compliment. The recording of how bad we are continues to play over and over in our mind.
 
Shame causes us to move away from people, relationships. We hide and isolate.
Shame causes us to move against people, we bully, blame, belittle others
Shame causes us to move toward others. We become people pleasers, always trying to make everyone happy.
 
SHAME KEEPS US FROM LIVING FREELY
 
COMING OUT OF THE SHADOWS
We can look in the Bible at two of the best known and loved men: King David and Jesus. Both were ‘illegitimate’.
Behold, I was shapen in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me (Ps. 51:5)
Biblical scholars speculate that David was likely the illegitimate son of Jesse, maybe his mother did marry Jesse, but after his conception. David’s father even denied his existence to the Prophet Samuel. BUT GOD saw David…and David knew His God. He was created for kingship and God declared it over him, even when he could have bowed his head in shame.
 
It is said of Jesus, the Son of God, “can any good thing come from Nazareth?”
 
Both of these men received their identity from somewhere, someone other than their earthly parents, friends, or leaders. Both of these men SHOULD have been paralyzed by shame but they overcame shame and lived by the identity that their heavenly Father proclaimed over them.
 
And We Can TOO!
 
As all toxic substances need an antidote, shame is no different. Compassion is the antidote to shame.
 
Compassion comes from the Latin roots com (with) and pati (suffer), or to “suffer with.” Jesus our High Priest is the One who suffered for us, He suffers with us still. Some basic ways to embrace Christ in the midst of our shame:
 
 

• Be willing to be vulnerable. Admit there are areas of shame and don’t be afraid to look at them.
• Let the God of Compassion ‘suffer with’ you.
  • Sit with Jesus as you look at the places of shame
  • Picture yourself giving them to Jesus, let Him absorb those shame moments into his wounds. Let Him take what He came to die for…your broken heart, your captive places.
• Choose to believe that He is the God who makes ALL THINGS NEW. Yes, it’s as easy as you choosing. You might have to choose 1000 times today to believe, but in a month, you may only have to choose 500 times. You have lived a lifetime of choosing to believe a lie…it will take time for the truth to take root.
• Meditate, think about, sing about JESUS.
  • Our shame has been hidden away in a dark closet. It’s time to bring LIGHT in. OPEN the door to God’s truth. Jesus is LIGHT. The more we
    • Read the Word
    • Sing the Word and worship songs
    • Pray
    • Fill our lives with LIGHT

 
The more attention you give to FILLING your life, your home, with light, the less space there is for the shadows of shame.
 
How has shame kept you captive? 

​Misty Honnold is the President and Founder of the international organization Mountain of Myrrh Ministry (M.O.M.). She is a Visionary Leader, national speaker, writer and transitional life coach. Her greatest life work has been loving and leading her family well. She has raised 4 amazing adults and is lovingly known as Grammy to her 2 grand-daughters. Misty has blogged for over 8 years on the triumphs and trials of being a single mom. She currently blogs for Crosswalk on all things related to our spiritual journey.  Misty's passion for life is infectious.  Misty loves to lead leaders, equip women and impart value to others. Misty has learned through experience how to dance through the rhythms of life and loves to invite others into the joy of learning how to celebrate in every season.

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