Hope deferred makes the heart sick. – Psalm 13:12
I have known that heart sick feeling deep in my soul.
My hope had seemed to have left without an explanation. Leaving without a note, last correspondence, or “good bye”.
It was like one morning I woke up and that hope was gone.
Bitterness took its place.
Because, really, it feels like we all get a little bitter after going through a divorce.
My bitterness was quiet. It wasn’t showy. It wasn’t something that other’s may have even noticed. But my heart felt sick.
When I saw other people were living out the dream that I had prayed for, the bitterness whispered to me that I wasn’t good enough.
When friends announced life events on social media, the bitterness took that opportunity to point out my lack.
After time I started to embrace Bitterness.
It became this strange friend that I took comfort in.
Hope would come home and knock on the door but Bitterness would tell me how Hope would never stay. Bitterness was there for me. Bitterness was easier to hold on to.
I would tell Hope that I would call them back but it never happened.
My heart was sick.
But I had decided I could learn to live with this sickness. It was a part of me now.
The Single Mom KC was invited to a Valentine’s Day luncheon by a local church.
Bitterness and I attended together but Hope and I left the luncheon hand and hand.
During worship God stepped in. I was singing with my hands high and tears running down my face. Hope came bursting through my heart and I could not postpone them anymore. Bitterness had no choice but to pack their bags and leave.
That day, in that moment, Hope flooded my life.
Nothing in my life had changed.
I was still a single mom.
I was still struggling financially.
I was still sometimes insecure.
I was still in need of a Savior.
But my heart was no longer sick.
I started to cling to those promises of God. Declare them over my life.
God’s plan for me is to prosper me and not to harm me. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Nothing can keep me from the love of God. (Romans 8:38-39)
God formed me with intention and knows me intimately (Psalm 139)
God has given me strength to get through anything. (Phil 4:13)
God will restore my life. (Deut. 30:3)
To keep Hope, I must make a home for Hope.
Hope lives in those promises. Hope lives in my faith. Even when my circumstances don’t add up to what I want in my life…. My faith is bigger than that. Hope thrives in my thankfulness. Hope flourishes in my trust in God.
And my heart is well.
Monica is a BoyMom, lover of Jesus, appreciator of all things pink, and a self proclaimed romantic. She is navigating through life as a single momma to two little ones with coffee in her hand and grace in her heart. Monica's desire is to inspire and be inspired; sharing hope as she clings to it as well. She is California-raised but now resides in Missouri with her two precious boys.